Living Through the Pain

It’s been over a year since my Dad passed away and over six months since my husband left me. He and I still debate over who left whom, but there is no doubt in my mind it was he who left me. There are days I want to power through, pretend I am Wonder woman and act like I do not need anyone to get by. Could I have reached out to friends and family more in my depression? Certainly, but I could not even put my feelings into words. At least not in a matter that seemed worthy of burdening anyone. When the writer loses her medium, the reader cannot respond. The truth is there has not been a single day I have not missed either of them immensely. For so long, they were my life and on odd days in 2017, I had to move on without both of them. Yes, literally odd days for those keeping track so that was a purposeful double entendre. Moving on would prove difficult and I find myself here in 2018 without much progress.

I actually wrote a lot here, but I erased it. In retrospect, I should have just saved it for future use. Just take my word that it was Pulitzer worthy, and it was once-in-a-lifetime soul bearing stuff I can never recreate again. It is strange to feel like you’ve found your voice only to feel this ache that you must silence yourself. We all have different stories to tell, and I know his is so different from mine. In my depression, he was not my priority, and I will always regret that. My soon-to-be-ex husband is struggling with his own issues so out of respect for him, I will wait until he is in a better place before I write more on this topic. Maybe my feelings will have changed by the time he figures out his own issues. If they haven’t, I will do my best to paint you a picture worth reading.

I did get a new beauty room after moving in 2017. When I sat in my beauty room with boxes of furniture (curse you Ikea) he was always too busy to assemble, I asked myself why we drifted apart in 2017. It’s kind of hard to play with makeup when it is all packed away, and you’re too depressed to even unpack things much less apply it. Unpacking new things is hard, too. When your furniture lives in boxes, you have nowhere to place the new things also living in boxes. Your beauty room is just a room of boxes! Then, you have become a collector of things you literally have no use for. Now, I realize that I should have just hired someone to assemble it. Between his procrastination and my lack of creativity (that’s right, my screen name has real meaning), that furniture never stood a chance. If my beauty room was ready to go, I probably would have played more in 2017. Now that I have no beauty room anymore, I guess we’ll never know.

I’ve decided a month of this new year has already passed. Even though I have no place to put my beauty products away, I will start using them again. Expect more reviews in 2018. Makeup is waiting for me to play with it, and I accumulated a lot in 2017. Without further interruption of my personal life, beauty blogging and deals will follow this article. Many of you have probably realized that I am emotional. One of the biggest reasons my ex and I did not work out even though we loved each other was because I was too emotional and he was too logical. He lost his tolerance for my emotion, and I lost my tolerance for his cold demeanor. I will always love him, but I need to love him from afar. Should I encounter another storm, I am sure to take another break. Until then, I am back, and I hope to stay this way for a while. It is time for me to live through the pain instead of hiding from it.